my worth in numbers

i count my worth by the grades i get.
i am desperate to be better.
to get higher grades than other people, to get higher grades than the last time,
to exceed the standards other people set for me, to exceed the standards that i set for myself.
the standards grow more and more impossible.

i count my worth by the number of hours i work.
if i’m not smarter, i must work harder.
i hustle. i make ‘busy’ my personality trait.
productivity is the only reason i allow myself to fall asleep at night.

i count my worth by the number on the scale.
i take a deep breath and i close my eyes.
i’m afraid to look down.
it doesn’t matter what number it says. it needs be less.
less shows self-discipline,
less is sexy,
less is more.

i count my worth by the number of likes.
meaningless compliments that give me a quick high.
meaningless compliments that i convince myself,
i do not deserve.

i count my worth by the number of friends i have.
the number of parties i get invited to.
the number of times i go out a week.
i cannot hide my loneliness from the world. they will know. they always know.
the silence at home is deafening.

i count my worth by the number of times you tell me you love me.
you say you want me.
are my numbers enough for you?
will my numbers be enough for you?

i count my worth by numbers,

and the numbers are stacked against me.