an obsession with flesh and bones

CW: Eating disorders, Body Hatred/Shaming (Self), Mental Illness, Body Horror, Anxiety

today i wake up and

i try to remember what i ate yesterday and i count and i count and i count the hypothetical calories inside my head and i tell myself it’s okay today will be different today i won’t lose control like i did yesterday and the day before and the day before and the day before today i won’t feel hungry today i won’t feel hungry today i won’t let myself feel hungry

i look in the mirror and i suck in and i hold my breath and i hold my breath and i hold my breath and i trace my fingers along my rib cage and i feel the dips and rises as my finger touches every single strip of bone and i feel disgusted and i feel disgusted and i feel disgusted but the feeling is addicting and i just stand and stand and stand there and i just want to feel my bones against my fingers again and again and again

i stand in the shower and i look down and i grab and i grab and i grab every piece of my stomach my waist my hips and i try to remember if they felt the same yesterday or if i can feel more meat and flesh inside my palms and i keep pulling and pulling and pulling like if i pull hard enough maybe the fat will just come off in my hands and i can let it melt in the hot water and slowly circle down the drain and it will just be that easy and it will just be that easy and i wish it was that easy

i get off on your words as you tell me ‘you’re too skinny’ ‘you’re too skinny’ ‘you’re too skinny’ as your words echo in my mind and i try to hide my smile as i pretend like it’s not all i want for you to say it over and over and over again and i think all my efforts all my pain all my restriction and inhibition and constraint have been worth it after all and i’m finally enough i’m finally enough i’m finally enough

today i wake up and i choose to feel shame

and tomorrow i’ll do it all over again